This post inspired by the WordPress Daily Prompt: Walking on the Moon. What giant step did you take where you hoped your leg wouldn’t break? Was it worth it, were you successful in walking on the moon, or did your leg break? We had already made the impossible decision of stopping IVF treatments without having had become parents and knew that adoption was not for us.
Surely, this was it, the worst it could get.
I had already survived two back surgeries, one year in a body cast, depression, two rounds of failed IVF with a gestational surrogate, three lost babies, depression, anxiety, anger.
But that is the important part, I had only survived up until that point. And then I was pushed to the edge of doubt and question, the edge of even worse; we had to the make the even more impossible decision to let go of our first furry child, Maddie.
And there I found myself, off that edge in my rock bottom.
I can't say for sure what was the one catalyst for me to take the first giant, and most difficult, step out of rock bottom. That first step of my own walk on the moon. The first step that was the beginning of the last year and a half of my life in recovery.
I know it was a combination of finding the work of Brené Brown and learning how to own all the parts of my story with bravery in order to live my now wholehearted life.
I know it was the decision to change my lifestyle by changing my food and exercise and getting off medication and starting yoga, meditation and self-compassion.
Above all, I know it was my choice.
My choice to no longer be the victim to my past, to my traumas, to my losses. To no longer just survive and choose to thrive.
My daily, sometimes minute by minute choice, to choose to thrive these survivals. To place these amazing and haunting hurts into my life puzzle making them the beautiful tapestry of my life thus far, and therefore just part of my epic story.
My every step on my moon. My walk that continues with many lights of my own ever upward.
Starting to write.
Owning my story and publishing the blog.
Improving my relationships.
Investing in my career, and therefore myself.
Reawakening my marriage after the traumas and losses of IVF.
Fighting for my faith and finally finding a church where I belong.
To wake up and stand up.
And considering it all pure joy.
My walk on the moon started at my rock bottom with a damn near impossible, but completely necessary choice.
The choice, my choice, of the first step of my walk, for myself, my recovery, my happiness, my ever upward.